HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

The Masters is played this week at Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia. It should be very exciting. Martha Burk thinks she's going to lay down the law to a Scottish sport in a Rebel state in a town named after the mother of King George III.

The Cincinnati Reds celebrated Opening Day last week in the team's new Great American Ballpark. It caused some concern. The new baseball stadium is twice the size of the old baseball stadium, so the steroid problem might not be limited to the players.

Robert Blake pleaded not guilty in Los Angeles County Court to murdering his wife. He's free on the terms of his bail. Robert Blake promised to wear an ankle monitor at all times, to stay inside the county, and to read the judge's screenplay.

Mexican President Vicente Fox said the United States had no business invading Iraq and called for the U.S. to withdraw and go home. This hurts. If there's one thing for which Mexicans are well-respected, it's their belief in the sanctity of borders.

France demanded Iraq's new government be formed by an international advisory panel. Not so fast. Until every Iraqi schoolchild can recite Burke's Farewell Speech to Parliament, they are not even getting an International House of Pancakes.

Colin Powell assured Arabs Sunday the U.S. will not invade Syria or Iran after freeing Iraq. He didn't convince anybody. No one in the Arab world will believe the U.S. has peaceful intentions until they hear it from someone who has the president's ear.

President Bush arrived at the White House from Camp David Sunday looking fit and trim. He lost ten pounds by giving up sugar last month. No one wants to say he's been cranky, but that hole in the ozone over Baghdad didn't get there by itself.

The U.S. military dropped 100,000 leaflets on Baghdad Sunday before an armored raid. They told people to stay indoors with their families and avoid celebrating. It's the standard flyer welcoming new voters into the Republican party.

U.S. tanks rolled into Baghdad Monday and seized the town square. They blew up a statue of Saddam Hussein on horseback. It was the clearest possible message from the President of the United States to the Iraqi dictator and the horse he rode in on.

The Commerce Department on Friday warned U.S. companies vying to rebuild Iraq that Iraq's annual vacation period is set in stone. The Iraqis traditionally never work in June. In that respect they are exactly like the Los Angeles Clippers.

President Bush met Tony Blair in Northern Ireland on Monday to discuss a new Ulster accord. Protestants and Catholics there have no peaceful way of settling religious scores that go back four hundred years. They don't have college football.

Richmond unveiled a statue of Abraham Lincoln Sunday to mark a visit he made to the Confederate capital immediately after the war. The statue was put there for the same reason the Pentagon has Predator drones over Iraq. It's to keep an eye on things.

CBS News says the Federal Reserve is being lobbied to take actions that would lower mortgage rates to four percent. Some economists predict this would end the recession. Economic forecasting has one primary function, which is to make astrology look respectable.

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